On Rejoining Weight Watchers

Firstly, I can't believe this blog even still exists. The last time I wrote on it, I was practically a different person--not yet a mother, not yet in counseling, not yet focusing on ME.

The last time I wrote on it, I wanted to lose, what, 10 pounds that had crept up during my nearly 10 years of maintaining my 100-pound weight loss.

Me, circa 2005

Now?

Now I'm sitting here 4 years post-baby, with 75 pounds to lose to get back to the weight I want to be.

75 pounds.

I still have the same troubles with food:

I love eating out.

I munch after dinner.

I know that tracking is key.

I eat without thinking.

I look at these pictures and I think, how? How was I ever that skinny? How did I let myself go this far? How?

Me, January 2015

These thoughts are only self-defeating and not helpful.

But some things are different; now, I have a little person who relies on me. This is both a motivator and a challenge because I want to be the healthiest mom I can be, but I have so little time to concentrate on meal planning and exercise and all the things that are essential to weight loss.

And even though I am back up to being technically "obese"--HOW did I let that happen?--I'm also much more active now than I was at 20 years old. I walk and I run.

I'm loved by and married to a wonderful man who appears to love me and be attracted to me despite the fact that I am ashamed of my current appearance. Despite that I look vastly different from how I did when we met.

I've tried basically constantly since 6 weeks after my son was born to lose weight, and I've only succeeded in gaining. I've been back to Weight Watchers a few times, but none of it took. 

But this time will be different. This time, I will lose this weight. I will no longer "try" to be on plan, I will LIVE the plan. I will. There is no "I want," there is only, I will.

I will make mindful choices.

I will track my food.

I will forgive myself.

I will be kind to myself.

I will tell myself that I am beautiful.

I will believe it.

I will be my own inspiration.

I will.

I am my own "after" picture. I know I can do it because I did it.