Chasm

So I have continued to struggle with food. Surprise, surprise. Will I ever NOT struggle with food? I have, however, committed to the "close your rings" challenge and have done so every day since my birthday--11 days. So I'm going for a 30 minute walk most days, and I even did a 12-minute cardio YouTube video on a rainy day. That is huge for someone who did almost no physical activity for about a year, during my pregnancy. So even though the scale has gone up slightly over the past couple weeks, I feel better--stronger and tighter in some ways.

It concerns me how high my heart rate goes during these walks. I am quite out of shape. All of this concerns me.

And yet, somehow the concern never translates to good food choices. There is a chasm in my brain on one side of which are my desires, visions, and concerns and on the other side of which are good, lasting changes. In the middle is the food, and I always fall into it. I have not bridged the chasm.

When I hold my baby and look at both sons, I am terrified of being unhealthy. I want to be the best me I can for them. I want to be here with them for as long as I can.

Yet when I stand in front of that chasm of food that includes candy and pizza and any and all restaurant food. I forget it. I fall into the chasm, 99% of the time.

I've ordered two books about changing your thinking on eating and food. They are based on cognitive therapy and I am very hopeful to get them, that they will actually make a difference in my food choices. I need to retrain my brain.